We asked experts about the worst things you can say to your parents. Here's what they told us—and what you should do instead.
The Worst Things You Can Say to Your Parents, According to Experts
We’ve all said the wrong thing at times, leaving others feeling angry, hurt or confused. When those words are directed at your parents they can be especially damaging. After all, kids are supposed to love and respect their parents. “At some level, most parents question themselves and wonder whether they’re good parents and whether they’re doing the best for their children,” says Elizabeth Jeglic, a professor of psychology at John Jay College in New York and co-author of Protecting Your Child from Child Abuse: What You Need to Know to Keep Your Kids Safe. “When children say hurtful things, it taps into those fears and insecurities and makes them more real, causing pain.”
What are the worst things to say to your parents? Reader’s Digest talked to Jeglic and five other psychology and relationship professionals to find out, plus give you actionable advice for making parental interactions kinder and more productive. Keep reading to learn parenting conversation tips to help you have a better relationship with your parents.
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Never say these things to your parents
If you want to foster a strong relationship with your parents, avoid saying the phrases below. They can be more hurtful than you know. Read on to find out why—and what to say instead.
1. “So-and-so’s mom is better than you!”
Your mom and you won’t always agree, especially about your decision to jet off to Paris with your college roommate or drive cross-country solo. She’s trying to be the best parent she can be so that you’ll be the best kid (or adult) you can be. Her job as a parent isn’t always to be popular, but to offer love, freedom and guidance with age-appropriate boundaries, says Gary Brown, licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. And telling her that someone else’s parent is better will definitely hurt her ego.
“A child should point out an observation followed by a question,” says Jarret Patton, MD, a pediatrician and author of Whose Bad @$$ Kids Are Those? A Parent’s Guide to Behavior for Children of All Ages. For example, try, “Annie’s mom is letting her travel alone. Why won’t you let me?” By stating an observation, there is little to feel defensive about from the parental view. Following up with a question can give your parents a chance to explain the difference in parenting styles while still allowing you to express yourself.
2. “I wish you weren’t my dad!”
You don’t mean it, but in the heat of the moment, that’s what you said. For a fleeting moment, you wanted a different type of dad—one who agrees with you—and you don’t feel like your dad understands your experience, Brown says. Feeling invalidated by a parent is hurtful, but this doozy is one of the worst things to say to your parents whether you’re 4 years old or 40.
Children can lose their filters when emotions run high, Dr. Patton adds, and “painful statements can be the result.” Often, this is a developmental stage in younger children who lack reasoning skills, but older and even adult children can lose their temper too. “Wishing away a parent or saying ‘I hate you’ may be the only response a child can muster,” Dr. Patton says. Don’t take it personally, however hard that may seem.
When your child calms down, have a straightforward conversation. Dr. Patton suggests the child use “I feel __ when … ” language. “This can build more trusting, respectful and deeper relationships while teaching them about using hurtful language.” And if you are the adult child in this situation, learn from it and do better next time. We all have moments we regret.
3. “You told me that already”
Parents love to repeat themselves. From “sit up straight” to “your hair looks better down” there’s not a lot of super helpful advice we haven’t heard at least 10 times in the last year alone. But especially as our parents age, clapping back with an ugly “you told me that already” is kind of mean, even if it doesn’t rise to the worst thing you could say to your parents. We all repeat ourselves from time to time, so give your parents a break. Of course, it is perfectly okay to set boundaries, so if you’d like mom to lay off your hair, tell her calmly and directly. Then walk away and don’t argue.
4. “I wish you were dead!”
You’ve been pushed to your limit. Your mom has given you advice on your son’s poor eating habits yet again, and you’re done with her unsolicited judgment. But wishing your mom dead? “You’re only changing the topic to make yourself in control of the situation,” says Lynn R. Zakeri, a licensed clinical social worker who practices in the Chicago area. You may be upset, but dramatic declarations won’t improve the situation.
Instead, Zakeri suggests saying, “When I want your advice, I’ll ask for it. It’s more honest, to the point and relevant,” she says.
5. “You look ugly today”
Just like you don’t want to hear that you don’t look good, the same goes for your parents. Being deliberately insulting and hurtful is a major family communication mistake, and chances are, you’re just looking for a reaction, Zakeri says. People also lash out to seek attention, to create a distraction from the current state of affairs or to express anger, Zakeri adds.
“Even in the best of parent-child relationships, there will be challenging moments,” Brown says. If you’re upset, be direct and respectful as you say what’s on your mind. And remember the Golden Rule, which is the backbone of all sorts of parenting conversation tips: “Treat your parents the way you want to be treated,” Brown says.
6. “You love my brother/sister more than me”
Questioning a parent’s love for you is near the top of the list of worst things to say to your parents. You know deep down that your parents love you the same as your siblings, but arguments tend to find us looking for affirmation of our worth. That said, accusing your mom or dad of loving your sibling more is a manipulative distraction, so don’t argue about it.
“Always speak to the behavior and explain your feelings in a way that isn’t accusatory,” Jeglic says. “When we make accusations, parents become defensive and the conversation stops.” If something upsets you, or you suspect unfair treatment, approach the conversation calmly and rationally. “More often than not, there will be a reason why your parents did something,” Jeglic says, so give them a chance to explain by speaking directly: “When you bought my brother a bigger gift than me, it hurt my feelings and made me feel like you cared about him more than me.” If you speak calmly, “the parent can explain his or her reasoning and you can have a discussion about it,” she says.
7. “You’re a bad mom!”
Kids love this one, but as we settle into adulthood we need to leave it behind. “Personal attacks are a surefire way to shut down any discussion and have it evolve into a shouting/anger match,” says Toni Coleman, a psychotherapist and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia. Instead, “open up the lines of communication by respectfully asking your parent to listen to what you have to say, then keep your comments free from any comparisons or attacks on how good or bad your parent is.”
Depending on your age and what you’re asking of your parents, Coleman says to focus on your own history and behavior as it relates to your decision-making skills, rule following, trustworthiness and maturity level. Displaying composure in your interactions will improve your relationship and help you avoid family communication mistakes.
8. “I hate you!”
Hate is a strong word. You may be upset with your mother for bailing on babysitting the grandkids when you had planned a date night with your husband. But be mindful of your words. “What if these were the last three words you said to your mother?” says Kristie Overstreet, a licensed professional clinical counselor and author of Fix Yourself First: 25 Tips to Stop Ruining Your Relationship. “If something tragic happened and this was your last statement to her, you’d have a difficult time healing.”
9. “Whatever!”
Here, you’re telling your parents that what they’re saying isn’t important and doesn’t matter. You know that you’ve lost the argument and the point has been decided, so you’re trying, weakly, to save face. “You just want to make them mad and retaliate some way, somehow,” says Gilda Carle, an educator, relationship expert and author of Ask for What You Want AND GET IT. You’re saying that they can talk, but you aren’t listening.
It’s better to speak respectfully without being rude. Be clear about what you think, feel and want. “Everyone disagrees with someone,” Carle says. “It’s never about the argument itself. It’s about how you peacefully disagree with others and continue relationships with them.” She suggests that you say instead, “I don’t see this as you do.”
10. “Shut up!”
Your mom just won’t stop going on and on about how Sarah’s husband is a doctor and she lives in an affluent area. You just can’t take it anymore and shout “Shut up!” It’s not surprising that you’re upset. “Your mom just hasn’t said the actual words, ‘And why don’t you have a doctor husband too?’” says Carle. (Ugh.)
The next time you want to snap at mom for comparing you with her best friend’s awesome kid, remember that using a friendly, respectful tone makes it more likely she’ll listen and take what you say seriously. That goes for dad too. Plus, it’s more likely that they’ll talk to you in the same way. You can also try lightening the mood: “Smile and calmly remind your mom that doctors are under constant stress and work long hours,” Carle says. “Then laugh and take your mom’s comments lightly. Her methods may stink, but her heart swells with love for you.”
11. “Call mom and see if it’s OK”
You probably don’t say this one anymore, but your kids might. Dad can make family-related decisions himself, as can mom. Undermining either parent’s responsibility and authority when the other isn’t present is a sure way to cause strife.
Of course, many things fall to one parent or the other, and the emotional labor that moms put in to remember birthdays and shopping lists is well documented. But not everything needs a check-in from mom. Let dad handle it, and let your kids know to let him.
12. “I can do whatever I want”
If you’re an adult, of course you can. But that doesn’t stop you from feeling like your parents still control you, especially if they disapprove of a choice you made. Feeling helpless in the face of perceived parental scorn is normal. But lashing out will never bring them around.
Instead, be clear about what you think, feel and want, giving details to help your parents understand your situation. They’re more likely to listen and be helpful if they know what’s really going on. “Tell them, ‘Here is what I want to do and why,’” says Tina B. Tessina, a psychotherapist and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together. “Don’t whine, act resentful or be angry,” she says. “Have confidence in what you want to do and why it makes sense, and tell them that.”
13. “You don’t love me”
Yikes. This one might top the list of things never to say to parents, because it cuts deep. You and mom get into a raging fight? “Don’t accuse her of not loving you; you know she does,” Tessina says. “Loving you is not the same as letting you have whatever you want.”
If you have a disagreement, try to see your parent’s point of view. If you can, say so! Telling your folks that you understand their views and feelings helps them be willing to see yours too. Remember that the most important parenting conversation tip on this list is the Golden Rule, so treat your parents like you’d like them to treat you.
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Sources:
- Elizabeth Jeglic, PhD, professor of psychology at John Jay College in New York and co-author of Protecting Your Child from Child Abuse: What You Need to Know to Keep Your Kids Safe
- Gary Brown, PhD, licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, with a masters degree in counseling psychology and a doctorate in clinical psychology
- Jarret Patton, MD, pediatrician and author of Whose Bad @$$ Kids Are Those? A Parent’s Guide to Behavior for Children of All Ages
- Lynn Zakeri, LCSW, licensed clinical social worker in Illinois, specializing in cognitive behavioral therapy
- Toni Coleman, psychotherapist, licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach in McLean, Virginia
- Kristie Overstreet, licensed professional clinical counselor and author of Fix Yourself First: 25 Tips to Stop Ruining Your Relationship
- Gilda Carle, PhD, relationship expert and author of Ask for What You Want and Get It
- Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of How to Be Happy Partners: Working It Out Together
